The Worst Apology

By Chloe Evans

PROMPT—Never will I forget ...

I’m sorry.

I’m so sorry I left you alone.

Two long years had passed in the blink of an eye. I only remember some two- or three-hour conversations we’d have over a span of months. I can’t even tell you why that happened, or how horrible it was for you. One minute, I was helping you through a self-harming thought and then the next, I ghosted you for six months. No matter how many times you reached out, the texts always got lost. I can’t imagine what you thought while I hid safely behind a forgettable wall.

Then, we reconnected, and I acted like a stranger to you. I asked about your days, your friends, work; anything to keep the conversation on you. I said nothing about myself, and the few words I did were like a different language to you. I didn’t make much sense at the time, but it didn’t matter. Those conversations were weeks apart, months even again. This time was different though. I wasn’t hiding; I was trapped. I had no way out and was scared and in the dark. I reached out to you, because I needed you to be my light as someone else had dwindled mine. It was wrong to ask of you, and I know the damage I caused by reaching out made everything worse. I just wanted to know that you were happy, no matter how much it hurt me that you were.

I can’t remember who stopped replying to who anymore. At this point, it's been three or four years since we have really been friends. We were distant acquaintances not wanting to lose contact with each other, but neither having anything to say. I don’t even know the number of times I left you on read, not being able to reply. I don’t blame you if you hate me.

That is the shitty thing about this. I can’t remember anything. I can’t tell you how I lived my life other than a few certain points in history. They are all random memories and none hold any significance to me. I know this sounds like an excuse, but I also know you believe me. You were one of the first people to believe in me and see me for me.

I wasn’t a spiteful woman who hated everyone, because of the wrongs they committed against her.

I wasn’t some child running around not understanding time was still moving forward and she needed to grow up to survive.

I wasn’t the awkward girl trying to fit in, because she had trouble understanding people and gave up easily.

I was the writer who wanted to help people escape. You did, too. But instead of helping you, I broke you down. I did it so many times, I lost count, and my apology will mean nothing. Please believe me (again) when I say I tried for nights to remember you and the fun we had. I laid there for hours trying to remember what caused me to get locked away from you. Nothing seems real to me and our times together feel more like a distant movie that I can't get front row tickets to.

But I can tell you what I do remember…

I remember running the mile in under twelve minutes to win a bet with my sister. I did it.

I remember the nervous smile on your face when the video had loaded. It looked so cute on you.

I remember your brother and mother coming in your room, wanting to meet me. Mine were busy.

For months after that, we would stay up late and talk. We wrote stories together and passed around ideas. You eventually opened about your struggle that I helped you with, while you temporarily cured mine. I couldn’t see how toxic I was back then, and how my presence was killing you. I was just young and trying to keep my head above water. It wasn’t fair that I dragged you under with me.

Then everything ended just as quickly as it started. Now, you have someone new. From what I’ve heard, she is incredible. She treats you well and makes you smile and laugh again. She helps you feel safe and protected from whatever you need. She supports you and your endeavors, and I couldn’t be happier for you.

I am happy for you.

I know that may be read bitterly, but it’s not. It’s anything but that. Ever since you reached out to me that day over a story you had read, I have only wanted you to be happy. I want you to enjoy life, free from the rough waters I created. I’m happy you moved on and shining just as bright as you used to. I know in our last conversation, that we agreed it was best I never reach out again, but I needed this closure for myself. I know this sounds like the worst apology ever but…it is.

I’m sorry and Goodbye.

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Chloe Evans has been writing for a few years and loves to experiment with different forms of writing. With her passion for writing and her creative mind, she is able to take new aspects of the world and transform them into wonderful stories with hidden lessons. When Chloe is not writing, she spends her time gardening outside and playing different types of games for fun. She writes from Wilkes-Barre, PA.