By Hilton Koppe
PROMPT — Who am I today?
After Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and Samuel Shem I
PTSD
me
no way
no fucking way
II
I’m the doctor not the patient
I do all that burnout prevention shit
diet
exercise
meditation
I even got a bloody hobby for god’s sake
and here I am being told I’ve got PTSD
haven’t I always taught my students how to stay sane
like at a cardiac arrest take your own pulse first
and always remember the patient is the one with the disease
no this can’t be happening to me
III
it’s all their fault
my patients they don’t do what I tell them
the receptionists they keep fitting in all those extras
Medicare doesn’t pay me what I’m worth
the hospitals they never communicate with me
they’re all trying to kill me
bastards
IV
if I try harder
eat better
exercise more
drink less
work more to reduce my waiting list
work less to have more time off
take a holiday
then will my problems magically disappear
if I’m good can You make this happen
V
I can’t see the bloody point
I’ve tried everything
nothing works
I still feel like shit
I still dread going to work
I still worry that my patients will die on me
it’s hopeless
VI
my doctor is telling me I need to quit work
my psychologist and my wife are telling me I need to quit
so is my time as doctor up
am I done
have I been cooked
yesterday I was a doctor
what am I today
VII
something’s gotta change
I can’t keep going like this
the neck pain
the rashes
the insomnia
my body’s telling me something
I gotta start listening
maybe I can live without being a doctor
it’s gunna be hard
bloody hard
but surely it’ll be better than the alternative
it will be better
won’t it?
Dr Hilton Koppe is a family doctor from Lennox Head, a small village on the east coast of Australia. He combines his clinical work with an active role in medical education. Since 2003, Hilton has been running reflective writing workshops for doctors and other health professionals with the goal of deepening their compassion, overcoming professional isolation, and reducing risk of burn out. He has adapted his workshops to make them suitable for people living with chronic and serious illness. Hilton’s writing can be found in Snapdragon, Dreamers Creative, Please See Me, Hektoen International, Pulse, The Examined Life, Grieve, The Universal Doctor, and More Voices. His play, Enduring Witness, has been performed in the USA and Australia. A film version of the play is regularly used in medical education to facilitate end of life discussions.